Ewoks Plot to Disrupt G8 Summit In the Forest of Endor

BACKGROUND: In order to avoid the impact of dissenting voices at next year’s G8 Summit in 2002, Canada’s Prime Minister (henceforth referred to as the Big Cheese™) has chosen to move the meeting to the mountain resort of Kananaskis. [The G8 are the leaders of the world's richest and most powerful countries. Their last meeting in Genoa, Italy was protested by 100,000 people and led to the shooting death of anti-globalization protester Carlo Guliani.] In order to aid protesters in their planning for the 2002 Summit, the Deconstructionist Institute for Surreal Topology (DIST) commissioned this study to assess the prospects for direct action during the summit.

A number of our security experts visited the site, and conducted a thorough survey of the area. Our top researchers then analyzed the data, and have issued the following interim report. It is intended for informational purposes only, and can serve as a basis for the first spokescouncil meeting (to be held in Edmonton).

CONCLUSION: Kananaskis was chosen by the Big Cheese™ because of its remote location, and because the only road leading to the resort is easy to seal off. However, the Cheese forgot one thing – the location is remote and is easy to seal off.

The terrain is ideal for hippies, crappy for cops. Can you imagine riot troops in full body armor plodding through dense forests? What were they thinking?! Don’t they remember Vietnam?! Don’t they remember Return of the Jedi when the Ewoks kicked Stormtrooper ass in the forest of Endor?

SUGGESTED ACTION PLAN: Protests around summits are usually given labels to mark a day of protest (for example J26 to signify a protest on June 26th). It is advised that protesters drop the numbers. The letter J will do nicely – a month of intense resistance…and a refreshing change of tactics.

DETAILS of ACTION PLAN: Early May: Hold a training camp in Kananaskis to allow participants to get a feel for the location. Plan, strategize and hold workshops. Consider it a dry run. Participants can learn vital skills such as how to incorporate grizzly bears into a direct action.

June 1st, 2002: Tree huggers begin blockading the road leading in and out of Kananaskis. A wilderness area should not have thousands of police plodding through it. The road is ideal for Robin Hood tactics. Block-and-run style; tripods; cars with their wheels removed. It’s one real long road, and they can’t defend it. Stop The Man from setting up their security equipment and preparing the site.

June 7th: Set up tent city on the edge of Kananaskis. Have a huge festival of resistance including music, workshops, food, naked hippies. Create space.

June 10th: Critical Mass rides begin along the highway leading to the site. Stockpiling mountain bikes will be key later on. When they block the road, anarchists will bike around them.

June 13th: Affinity groups and assorted desperados move deep into the zone, and set up outposts. Bring a video camera to protect yourselves from getting batoned. Stick together. Pretend it’s a giant game of hide and seek. Use tactics inspired by the Ewoks. Maximum disruption combined with maximum cuddliness. Anarcho-hippies can climb trees; they know how to use ropes; they love it out in the mountains, and even enjoy eating fungus. For a good laugh, watch the cops try to get protesters out of the tree tops. Did you see Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon?

June 22nd: The tent city moves onto the meeting site. Protesters seal off the road before the cops do. Lockdowns, hiding, running, and regrouping. With enough people, the space can be defended.

June 25th: For people that arrive late: hike into the zone. Don’t forget your rope ladders, and try to avoid the traffic jams along the hiking trails. Ewoks shut down the force field generator. Watch in mild amusement as the black-bloc searches in vain for a McDonald’s to smash. Oh, did we mention rope ladders? Victory will go to those with the most rope ladders (and the best pants).

June 26th: Summit canceled – too many fuckin’ Ewoks in the area.